Gallagher, Ford, I miss'em!

· A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O·
. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
· Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
· Velcro? What a rip off!

http://www.magle.dk/music-foru...5547.html#post175547

Page 233:

the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Somerset and said:
"Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprint, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his garden - but no ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building Permit."


"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."


"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."


"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."


"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."


"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."


"Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."


"The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."


"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."


"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."


"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."


Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

" The Government beat me to it."

-----------------------------------

Shock treatment


A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is a 59 year old widow, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and hasn't had sex since her husband passed away 7 years ago! Yet you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

------------------

Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “ there is nothing to confess”.

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “ I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes”....

-------

It's not whether you win or lose ---------- it's how you place the blame!

Thank you Teo.

This is all so very funny.

Very funny

Thank you for this very long list Teo.

It will take me some time to get through it all.

Thank you Teo for the enormeous amount of information.